Pretty Good for a Girl

[Akasha]

There's two main things I enjoy reading.... something that can make me laugh out loud and interesting stories about girl gamers. I found this utterly amusing!!!

My wife and I are both geeks; we freely admit it. She’s a big PS2 player; I’m pretty much a computer games kind of guy. We meet in the middle in that we are both Xboxers. No, not ex-boxers, Xboxers. It’s different. Yes it is. Don’t argue with me.
I told her last night that I’m jonesin’, badly, for new MMORPG. I love massive online games; I've played them all. None of them satisfy anymore. I need something new, immersive, and addicting, like AC1 or old EQ. I want something I can sink my teeth into for, I don’t know, the next two or five years. She and I discussed the upcoming release of World of Warcraft, and I told her that I’m just plain drooling with anticipation. Being a fellow geek, she understands. She’s a bit of a MOG player herself.
In fact, she’s probably the strangest MOG player I’ve ever known. That’s saying a lot, I know. I mean, I’ve tended to group with the same group of players – Smell the shaman, Eich the druid, and Kellinden the ranger – for years. They are all extremely funny; I wouldn’t be able to hang out with them if they weren’t. We go from zone to zone, game to game, adventure to adventure – and it’s always fun, it’s always funny, and it’s always a good time. We’ve played together, leveled up together, and quested together for years. For the most part, I know what to expect from them on any given day in-game.
Well, that’s not true for my better half. She’s never played any online game in a conventional manner. If I’m all about completing the quest, clearing the dungeon, getting some xp and loot drops, and defeating the boss mob, she’s all about….something else. It varies day to day. I could never really put my finger on it. However, let me point out two things: one, she is having a good time playing her way, and two, it’s generally hilarious. And I mean hilarious; just watching her play will make you laugh so hard you’ll fall off your little pony.
I’ve struggled with trying to define what it is she does; whenever I try, something just gets lost in translation. So I figured that, for the purposes of this article, I’ll simply try to describe it. She calls it playing “girl-style,� and there are rules. Here they are:

Rule 1: Hottie or Cutie
If you’re going to play it her way, you’ve got two choices when it comes to character creation. You have to pick between designing a beautiful elven princess, or an adorable little gnome. Now don’t take this too literally; you can substitute a hot human or sexy cat woman for the elf, or a halfling or pixie for the gnome, as appropriate.
When it comes to character design, I’ve learned that she is simply not going to be hurried. Picking what kind of nose your character has is far, far more important than I’d realized; there is just no rushing decisions like these. If she’s going the hottie route, she is going to be taking her time in picking out just the right hair color, hairstyle, and eye color. She’ll adjust her character’s height until it is just so. There is no telling exactly what she is going to like or dislike; I can only tell you that, in the end, her avatar is going to be pretty, unique, and very, very feminine.
If she decides, instead, to make a cute little gnome/hobbit/kobold, the key word is going to be cute. Pink hair, pigtails, top knots, hair ribbons, big eyes, button noses, hair buns – you get the idea. Whatever features she selects, they will all be cute. Cute, cute, cute. You can never get too much cuteness, and there is no overdosing on cute.
One word of warning: even if you are so inclined, don’t bother to try any of this with a female troll, ogre, orc, minotaur, or even a dwarf. It’s kind of like putting lipstick on a pig; it just isn’t going to work. Further, evil races tend to have females that look, quite frankly, like transvestites. Large, evil transvestites.

Rule 2: The Name Game
You might think similar principles apply to naming your character. They don’t. In fact, trying to apply the above rules to female character names is a minefield. Arrwin, Eowynn, and Trinitie have all been used before. Those oh-so-clever spelling variations are fooling exactly nobody. If you pick these kinds of names, you become the female equivalent of Aragorm, Qonan, or Legolasss. And while I’m on this subject, naming your character Giggles O’Snicker isn’t cute, it’s sickening. According to my spouse, guy gamers might ignore it, but other girl gamers will hate you. Think about it: do you find the guy that named his ogre Odorous O’Flatulent funny? Neither does anyone else, and you just joined the ladies’ auxiliary of his dork club. Gratz to you.
To avoid this kind of dorkiness, try something that is both feminine and funny. If you can’t do both, go with funny. My wife has named a dark elf “Gothzilla�, a wimpy alt “GimpChick�, and a high elf “Prettyugly.� When we were planning our wedding, she named one “Frankenbride�. She named a particularly fragile-looking avatar “Notintheface.� She once even named a character “Dontscrewwithme O’ryoullpullbackabloodystump�, but the GMs made her change it. Come to think of it, that happens a lot.
Lately, she tends to name her characters “Ol’ Peg.� (No, my wife is neither old, nor is she named Margaret.) In fact, Ol’ Peg is an almost inexplicable reference to our wedding planner. It’s also funny as crap. If she stands still, people sometimes mistake her for an NPC pirate. Occasionally, some poor newbie tries to get a quest from her. If she can pull it off, she’ll send the poor moron to the Highland Wastes to collect 10 mole hides for her.
Look: funny names are memorable. I distinctly remember a skinny elven ranger named Fatbirds, a gnome mage named Speedbump, a tiny cleric named Eggie McMuffin, and a halfling warrior named Tankgirl.
Think Jenny McCarthy here. Pretty is nice. Pretty AND funny is mo’ better.

Rule 3: Emote, Emote, Emote
Ol’ Peg is endlessly fascinated by emotes. She can toy with emotes for hours. No exaggeration – hours go by, and she’ll still be typing /hug, /giggle, /dance, /bow, and /YMCA in the vicinity of every passerby she sees. It’s obvious by the gathering crowds – half a dozen folks talking to her at once is common – that she isn’t bugging anyone. It kind of looks like she is putting on a show. They are clearly enjoying all the /kneeling, /snorting, and /eyerolling.
Oddly, all this chit-chat sometimes results in gifts. After a few short, amusing hours of /dancing, /kissing, /whistling, or sometimes /puking, she’ll have a bag load of hats, necklaces, cloaks, and shields. All pretty much worthless stuff to my mind, but she is playing the game her way and she is, in her own unique manner, getting loot to do it. Go figure.

Rule 4: Be Crafty
Trade skills are a big part of every modern online RPG. Trade skills generate a little cash, and give online RPGs some additional depth. According to Ol’ Peg, it isn’t widely known, but the biggest benefit to trade skills is that they allow the crafting of some unusual and amusing items. Rest assured, if Ol’ Peg can craft an ugly wig, weird cloak, or funny hat, she will make at least three hundred of them. She’ll sell them if she can; more likely, she’ll end up giving most of them away. This is because, in her mind, it’s pretty funny for her and 10 of her friends to all stand around in the middle of a busy marketplace all wearing the same exact ridiculously oversized hat. I’ve seen it; it IS funny. And when she manages to get all her big hat-wearing buddies to do the /YMCA emote at the exact same time, it’s not just funny; it so downright hilarious you’ll pee your kilt.


Rule 5: Use Whatcha Got
You may be under the impression that Ol’ Peg doesn’t hunt, get into groups, or do any adventuring. Au contraire, mon frere! She goes out and has adventures a-plenty. In truth, I strongly suspect she does this simply because being in a group is kind of like having a captive audience, but she won’t admit to that. She maintains that she really does likes all the gooey orc-slaying and icky goblin-smashing.
As a guy gamer, I’ve sometimes waited hours to find a group. It usually takes Peg a total of about a minute and a half. Here’s her technique: go to the edge of town, where people gather to form hunting parties. Begin to look for a group to join. Don’t go shouting “level 8 wizard, LFG!� That is waaaay too generic. Every guy in half a mile is shouting that. Try saying something with personality, like “Level 8 gnome mage, looking for some protectors to hunt with!� This subtly conveys the fact that one, you’re female, and two, you’re a gnome cutie.
This kind of thing also plays upon the psyches of the male players near you. They play these games to be heroes. In part, this means rescuing hottie elven princesses (like you) and protecting defenseless little halflings (like you). It doesn’t matter which kind of avatar you designed, you’ll be getting group invites in no time. According to Ol’ Peg, playing upon those male instincts isn’t an exploit; it’s your feminine duty. Besides, those stinky boy mages can go find their own group.

Rule 6: Colorful Disputes
In every MMORPG on the market, disputes are common. Most gamers, like me, hate arguing with those who should have grown out of adolescence long ago. In contrast, these are shining moments for Ol’ Peg – she apparently just loves bickering with the maturity-impaired griefers. Don’t get me wrong; she is patient, but only to a point. Then she snaps, and all of her girl-wrath just sort of busts out. In the interests of decency, any and all profane words have been cleverly altered to be “nigh upon unrecognizable� in the following little exchange of ideas:

“WTF?! You guys are a bunch of kill-stealers�, says Grommit the dwarf.
“Yeah, what a bunch of iceholes,� says Grommit’s friend, Grimslayer the ogre.
“Take it easy, guys. It spawned right on top of us,� says Ol’ Peg.
“STFU, you stupid biotch. What do you know about it?� says Grommit.

At this point, as you can probably imagine, it’s on.

“Why don’t you go crawl back in your hole, you deformed little dwarf. And take your oversized butt-loving ogre boyfriend with you,� Ol’ Peg responds. Then she /smiles.
“LOL,� says Pig.
“LOL,� says Jerrysdad.
“ROFL,� says Pinkie
“LOL,� says Borrowmore.
“STFU, you biznatch! I told you to STFU!� says Grommit.
“Yes, I remember you’re saying that, you effeminate little nazi.� Then she /dances.
“Shut your farging mouth, you stupid biotch! You guys are a bunch of kill-stealing iceholes!� says Grommit.
“Yeah, iceholes, biotch!� says Grimslayer.
“Did your continuation school teach you to talk like that? You guys sure like those words. Now go away before I call your momma to the keyboard,� says Ol’ Peg, followed quickly by /blowkiss.
“STFU you kill-stealing biotch! I wish this was a PvP zone! I’d kill you!� says Grommit.
“Yeah, yeah, bring it. I’ve eaten chickens bigger than you.� she says. Ol’ Peg then /flexes, and /headpats little Grommit.
“LOL.�
“LOL.�
“ROFL.�
“I’d kill you, you ugly gnome, so STFU!� yells Grommit. At this point both Grommit and Grimslayer have become so upset they shout out a string of profanity that would make the average sailor wince.
“Hey now, calm down a bit, little man,� says Ol’ Peg, /giggling. “Maybe this is a big misunderstanding. Why don’t you two run off somewhere and cuddle for a while? It will make you both feel better.�
“LOL.�
“ROFL!�
“LMAO.�
“LOL!�
“STFU biotch!� says Grommit cleverly.
“Have you noticed that you stand right at crotch level to your ogre friend? That must be convenient,� she says, /smiling.
And so on. As you can tell, pissing Ol’ Peg off is a pretty bad idea. Don’t force her to insult you. She’ll become a “whirlwind of whoop ***,� or she’ll “kick you so hard you’ll have ogre balls.� She is sure that elven males have, uh, units comparable to those of pixies, and she isn’t afraid to remind you of that. She thinks most trolls look like “over-sized drag queens,� and that dark elves look way too much like David Bowie. She is the one person that isn’t afraid of post-adolescent griefers. In fact, she’s something like an “anti-griefer.� She’ll straighten out anyone that tries to take her on, /smiling all the way.

Rule 7: The Use of Props
There is downtime in every MMORPG. It’s inevitable. For Ol’ Peg, however, downtime isn’t a bad thing. In some sense, she lives for down time. She even brought some props so she can keep everyone entertained.
Imagine the scenario: Ol’ Peg is grouped and does some hunting when, suddenly, the group gets invited to be a part of a dragon raid. As anyone who’s ever been on an epic raid knows, it’s a ‘hurry up and wait’ kind of affair. Well, if it takes more than 10 minutes to get the raid organized, Ol’ Peg will have everyone in the group wearing a pink hooded cloak and feathered leggings. They’ll make a great chorus line. She’ll also use dorky antler helmets, staffs that shoot off sparks, and skull masks as appropriate. She’s been known to give everyone in the group a shrink potion, and then convince them to strip to their underwear. Watching a group of six tiny individuals, repeatedly taking off their hats, shirts, and pants, and then putting them on again, can provide a good twenty minutes of amusement. No, not in real life. Get your mind out of the gutter. We’re talking about the game, perv-boy.
If you give her enough time, she’ll even have everyone skydiving from the nearest cliff or tower into the lake below. Shouting “Cowabunga!� or doing a funny emote mid-skydive is, apparently, endlessly entertaining.

Rule 8: Making Friends

You might think Peg has a lot of friends in-game. She does. Of course, she also has a lot of in-game enemies, but most of those still have acne.
You might think that a mid-level character wouldn’t be able to join a uber guild full of power gamers and over achievers. You’d be wrong. She gets more guild invites than anyone I know. In fact, I’ve been told that my level 52 warrior isn’t needed in the “Sanctum Sanctorum� guild because they already have too many warriors. Two days later, Peg is in with her level 36 warrior.
It’s not hard to figure out why. Anyone that passes out speed potions to a dozen people so they can run in a big circle, very fast, and jump off of nearby objects, yelling “Chugga chugga choo choo!� is pretty fun to have around. And after a few raids, she’s so twinked out by her new uber-friends she can barely carry all the loot she’s got.


For a long time, it was obvious to me that Ol’ Peg was playing wrong. She spends all her money on shrink potions, bug masks, and big ugly hats. She spends way too much time chatting, emoting, and doing minor delivery quests. Helping newbies and screwing with griefers is like a second job to her. Crafting, skydiving, and running around in her underwear isn’t going to get her any levels.
All that probably explains why she has better gear than me, and somehow has more money in the bank than I do. I may be 17 levels higher than she is, but she’s been on more high level raids, he can get a free teleport to a distant city from one of her buddies in a two shakes of a imps tail, can instantly borrow a friend’s horse, and can somehow get 8 people to help her out in completing a difficult quest.
Wait…maybe I’m playing wrong.


Copyright 2004 by a confused, baffled pig named Pig. All rights reserved. Any attempts to duplicate this material, in whole or in part, is evidence of your mental state and can be used by concerned relatives to have you placed in an appropriate facility. You know, just so you can get some rest. You’ll be better soon. It’s ok. Shhhhhhhh.

Written by : Alexander Greenwood