Spicy Topic, Ca you handle the laughter?

[Worlokk]

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the
East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original
person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________ _______

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried
paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK What the hell was I supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to
rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

__________________________________________________ _____

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is
in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ _________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. Bitch is starting
to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________ _____

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?
It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks!
__________________________________________________ ______

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I' worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally, She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________ _

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREEMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is
cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like
is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At
least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
__________________________________________________ __

CHILI # 8 LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED-HOT LOVER'S CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare it's existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
or hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he'd have reacted to a really hot chili?

[Kalazor]

I love chilli. I challenge you to a chilli cook-off. Damn i love chilli! I love it so much i eat vindaloos for breakfast(not a joke, vindaloo for breakfast at the weekend!)

[Akasha]

When I was in year 8 (that puts me around 12 years old)... we had a class 'Home Economics" which was basically cooking. We had the best teacher because he couldn't be bothered teaching.. and hey, we really couldn't be bothered learning. Basically we used to just cook cakes and easy stuff... sometimes even from packet mixes haha. He said so long as we never told we would pass.

One day though, we had his supervisor in... I guess when we were asked what went in "um.. some flour I guess" wasn't the right answer. Anywho, he said we were to all make chilli concarne (spelling?) and as I am not huge on the spicy foods, and certainly wasn't at that age I asked the man my mum was seeing at the time how he would like it made.

I didn't like this guy, but thought I would be the mature teenager my mother thought I was and make an effort. He tells me he likes things hot so off I trot to school and make the dish. Did I mention I was 12? So I like have NO clue that 3 jalapeno chilli's is like really hot....

By the end there was that much 'kick' in it I nearly put him in hospital... I have never ever seen someone sweat quite that much. :oops:

[R2D2]

Mann that hadda be some power chili....i however dont like chili much...i havent tasted the different ones...i guess where i come fromtheres only few chilis available...and them i tried were simply to hot...

sissy? maybe...

[Kalazor]

Jalapeno's are lovely, i always have them on pizza and curry. Can't get enough of them. Raw they are even better. The hotter and more it makes me cry - the better!

[Worlokk]

yea my dads friend has a chilli tree, small with small kicking chillis on it, while you're eating just go and pick one and let it do the work ;)