|
Member
|
Men/Women...Relationships
Random intra-office eMails in the spirit of this topic. These are not to be taken seriously, so let's hope to avoid too much acrimony-- even though I realize these may not be politically correct ;)
Quote:
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that houses all the bulls.
The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!"
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man, fed up, turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."
|
Quote:
A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die.
At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?"
She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane.
He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?"
Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, "Yes!"
The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."
|
Quote:
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied....as she thought to herself, "Isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing, Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true," she replied, "But you do have all the equipment."
MORAL: Never argue with a woman
|
Quote:
|
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works." We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
|
Quote:
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not! faint. Just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
|
Quote:
WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want.
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry.
6. We need to talk. = I need to complain .
7. Sure, go ahead.= I don't want you to.
8. Do what you want. = You'll pay for this later.
9. I am not upset. = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead.
11. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights. = I have flabby thighs.
13. You're so manly. = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive.
15. It's your decision. = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
16. You're certainly attentive tonight. = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute.= Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV.
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really
not going to like.
MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry. = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy. = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired. = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you. = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored. = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question .
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you .
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you .
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have
sex with you .
13. You look tense. Let me give you a massage. = I want to have sex with
you within the next 3 mins.
14. Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and then I'd like to have sex with you.
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit. = I'm gay.
sleepy.
|
Quote:
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists.....2 men and 1 woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. “We must know that you will follow our instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find you wife sitting in a chair. “Kill her!!â€
The man said, “You can't be serious. I could never kill my wife.â€
The agent said, “Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.â€
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into ther oom. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can't kill my wife.â€
The agent said, “Then your not the right man for the jopb. Take your wife and go home.â€
Finally it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing. banging on walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanksâ€, she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.â€
|
Quote:
Sheila comes home early from work one day only to find her husband, Mark, in bed with a woman. Sheila says "That's it, I'm leaving and never coming back."
Mark says "Don't you at least want to hear my explanation."
Sheila shrugs and says "Fine, let's hear your story."
Mark says "I'm driving along the street when I see this young lady in torn clothes, no shoes, all muddy and crying. I took pity on her and asked if she would like to get cleaned up in my house. She climbed into my truck and I brought her home. She took a shower, I gave her the underwear that doesn't fit you anymore, the blouse I bought you 2 years ago that you never wore, the $150 Nike running shoes you bought but never used - I even gave her some of the roast beef you had in the fridge, but didn't serve to me. I showed her to the door. She thanked me profusely.
As she was about to leave she turned around and asked me, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"
|
|
November 03, 2004, 03:34 PM
