Cat Resolutions

PeePeeBritches · November 12, 2004, 05:35 PM

http://www.comcen.com.au/~heretic/hu...solutions.html

Mebbe you should have a talk with your cat Akasha?

*Akasha* · November 12, 2004, 08:02 PM

OMG laughing that hard has to be bad for your health.... Let me help you understand some of my day to day life. We'll start with things that made us scream Mocca, you know, the cute one you all seem to love.

I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum when she sits back down. (this one especially!!! :evil: )

I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie.

I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company.

I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain.

I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl.

I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so my humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage.

I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur. )

When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be played with!

I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks.

I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep.

Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself.

I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again.

I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves.

I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am.

I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.

I will not intrude on my human's candlelit bubble bath and singe my butt off.

Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them.

The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.

I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while.

I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside.

I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom.

I will not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter how tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free flying lessons.

And Flea... the "other cat"

I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

I am a (neutered) cat, not a pea****, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back.

When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to have my human open every door so I can check.

Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out.

I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in.

I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true.

I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups.

When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are *not* a hammock.

Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail.

I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer.

The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl.

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail.

If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live ****roach, even if it isn't as tasty.

So.... anyone else want to come live with us :lol:

Worlokk · November 13, 2004, 06:48 AM

Both Great :D, allthough few I can relate too... Are my cats normal :lol:?

;)

Bullet · November 14, 2004, 09:53 PM

Amazing how your cats look so innocent in those shots Akasha...

Worlokk · November 15, 2004, 12:27 PM

Oh, they arnt innocent, thats just a cats way of saying 'I may look innocent, but in truth, im cunning as hell' ;),
just stare into those [Akasha's] cats eyes for a while, and you shall discover the mischief and malice :lol:... You know im merely joking Akasha

Jubal · November 15, 2004, 12:56 PM

Bwahahahahaa....

Quote:

I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me.

I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up.

ROFL, this is Gizmo, my cat.

Pcheez · November 21, 2004, 08:47 AM

Uh... my dog does most of those ..... at least im pretty positive hes a dog....well hes the size of a big cat so ....

Silladar · November 21, 2004, 12:53 PM

HAHAHAHAHAH....
I love my cat, but he does some of the same things....

having a wet nose in your face at 4 am is not fun....
also my cat drools while being petted..... does anyone elses cat do this?

lethial · November 21, 2004, 06:04 PM

I think that when WoW comes out in the next couple of days, there will be couple more "I will"s added to the list

"I will not attempt to attack the mice that appears on the shiny screen that my owner has been staring at for the past 24 hours"

"I will not play with the keyboard when my human owner is AFK from WoW"

;)

*Akasha* · November 21, 2004, 07:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silladar

also my cat drools while being petted..... does anyone elses cat do this?

YUP! Flea drools on you if you pat him lots...

November 12, 2004, 05:35 PM	#1 (permalink)
PeePeeBritches Member	Cat Resolutions http://www.comcen.com.au/~heretic/hu...solutions.html Mebbe you should have a talk with your cat Akasha?

November 13, 2004, 06:48 AM	#3 (permalink)
Worlokk Member	Cat Resolutions Both Great :D, allthough few I can relate too... Are my cats normal :lol:? ;)

November 14, 2004, 09:53 PM	#4 (permalink)
Bullet Member	Cat Resolutions Amazing how your cats look so innocent in those shots Akasha...

November 15, 2004, 12:27 PM	#5 (permalink)
Worlokk Member	Cat Resolutions Oh, they arnt innocent, thats just a cats way of saying 'I may look innocent, but in truth, im cunning as hell' ;), just stare into those [Akasha's] cats eyes for a while, and you shall discover the mischief and malice :lol:... You know im merely joking Akasha

November 21, 2004, 08:47 AM	#7 (permalink)
Pcheez Member	Cat Resolutions Uh... my dog does most of those ..... at least im pretty positive hes a dog....well hes the size of a big cat so ....

November 12, 2004, 08:02 PM	#2 (permalink)
Akasha	Cat Resolutions OMG laughing that hard has to be bad for your health.... Let me help you understand some of my day to day life. We'll start with things that made us scream Mocca, you know, the cute one you all seem to love. I will not leap into my human's chair which she has temporarily vacated, and then bite my human on the bum when she sits back down. (this one especially!!! :evil: ) I will not puff my entire body to twice its size for no reason after my human has finished watching a horror movie. I will not sniff at my male human's feet after he takes his shoes off, freeze my mouth open in disgust and then sniff my private parts to compare odors. My female human might find it amusing, but my male human does not appreciate it, especially in front of company. I must not help myself to Q-tips, and I must certainly not proceed to stuff them down the sink's drain. I will not bite my human on the rear while she is sitting on the Big White Drinking Bowl. I will not eat large numbers of assorted bugs, then come home and puke them up so my humans can see that I'm getting plenty of roughage. I will not lean way over to drink out of the tub, fall in, and then pelt right for the box of clumping cat litter. (It took FOREVER to get the stuff out of my fur. ) When my human is taking a bubble bath, the two pinkish-brown things sticking up out of the bubbles in her chest region are NOT to be played with! I will not use the bathtub to store live mice for late-night snacks. I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my humans' bed while they're trying to sleep. Screaming at the can of food will not make it open itself. I cannot leap through closed windows to catch birds outside. If I forget this and bonk my head on the window and fall behind the couch in my attempt, I will not get up and do the same thing again. I will not assume the patio door is open when I race outside to chase leaves. I will not back up off the front porch and fall into the bushes just as my human is explaining to his girlfriend how graceful I am. I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl. I will not intrude on my human's candlelit bubble bath and singe my butt off. Just because I hear voices in my head, I do not have to answer them. The dog can see me coming when I stalk her. She can see me and will move out of the way when I pounce, letting me smash into floors and walls. That does not mean I should take it as a personal insult when my humans sit there and laugh. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. Any critter that lives in the house (hamsters) stay in the house and any wild critters (frogs and earthworms) stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank. I will not watch the guinea pig constantly as the guinea pig likes to sleep once in a while. I will not drag the magnets (and the papers they are holding up) off of the refrigerator and then bat them underneath it so that they adhere to the underside. I don't need to check my male human's aim in the bathroom. I will not bat at my male human's family jewels while he is engaged in the act of mating with my female human, no matter how tempting the danglies are. My humans get mad and I might get free flying lessons. And Flea... the "other cat" I will not knead my male human's groin at 2 a.m. with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy. I will not perch on my human's chest in the middle of the night and stare into her eyes until she wakes up. I am a (neutered) cat, not a pea***, and prancing around with my tail fluffed up will not make my balls grow back. When it rains, it will be raining on all sides of the house. It is not necessary to have my human open every door so I can check. Birds do not come from the bird feeder. I will not knock it down and try to open it up to get the birds out. I will not stuff my rather large self into the rather small bird feeder (with my tail hanging out one side) and expect the birds to just fly in. I will not play "dead cat on the stairs" while people are trying to bring in groceries or laundry, or else one of these days, it will really come true. I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she's on the family room floor trying to do sit ups. When my human is typing at the computer, her forearms are not* a hammock. Computer and TV screens do not exist to back light my lovely tail. I am a walking static generator. My human doesn't need my help installing a new board in her computer. The goldfish likes living in water and should be allowed to remain in its bowl. I will not be miffed at my human all day and then kiss her on the nose at 2:00 a.m. to tell her that she is forgiven and can now pet me. I will not scratch the children of lawyers, no matter how much they chase me or how hard they pull my tail. If I must give a present to my human's overnight guests, my toy mouse is much more socially acceptable than a live ****roach, even if it isn't as tasty. So.... anyone else want to come live with us :lol:

November 21, 2004, 12:53 PM	#8 (permalink)
Silladar Member	Cat Resolutions HAHAHAHAHAH.... I love my cat, but he does some of the same things.... having a wet nose in your face at 4 am is not fun.... also my cat drools while being petted..... does anyone elses cat do this?

November 21, 2004, 06:04 PM	#9 (permalink)
lethial Member	Cat Resolutions I think that when WoW comes out in the next couple of days, there will be couple more "I will"s added to the list "I will not attempt to attack the mice that appears on the shiny screen that my owner has been staring at for the past 24 hours" "I will not play with the keyboard when my human owner is AFK from WoW" ;)